5 Friday Finds!!!!! R-Lations!!
- Mark Warren
- Apr 11
- 4 min read
After listening to a recent Focus on the Family, I thought it would be worth sharing the insight gained to help with relationships especially some in our own extended families.
As co-workers, friends, husbands and wives, families, and fellow inhabitants of planet Earth, we have gotten really, really good at operating in the 5 Rs. The process or Recipe for Conflict
especially as families goes similar to something like this.
1. Something happens, is said, done, not said, or not done. As a result, I feel Rejected.
2. Rejection feels yucky, so I become Resentful about feeling rejected. In my resentment,
3. Resentful, I Resist a productful relationship with the person I feel resentful toward. That could be the silent treatment or withholding love or holding a grudge.
4. Resistance leads to Revenge. Verbal attacks are often used as the best tactic. Canceling plans or using threats or manipulation to get the rejection resolved becomes a resource,
5. Repeat. Unresolved, this cycle repeats until the relationship is damaged beyond repair.
These 5 Rs that spell destruction to relationships are rejection, resentment, resistance, revenge, repeat. The more this cycle is repeated in a relationship, the cycle becomes completely automatic, even expected, and people unthinkingly play out their parts. He or She says something in that tone of voice. He or She doesn’t pick up when the phone. He or She is perpetually offended. He or She pouts when they don't get their way. This conflict is the foundation for toxic relationships and often no one knows how to not repeat it all.
Practice Makes Permanent
The first step to change the destructive pattern is to become aware of the active presence of the 5 R’s in our lives. When you find yourself in one of the 5 R’s, take these steps immediately to improve your relationship.
1. Resentment is a negative emotional reaction to what you think was said or done, not said or not done. Resentment appears as drama words in your vocabulary: need, perfect, should.
“He needs to . . .”
“I’m not perfect, but . . .”
“She should . . .”
When you are stuck in drama, you are stuck in resentment.
Solution: Shift to gratitude.
“I’m grateful he . . .”
“What fun to . . .”
“I’m thankful she . . .”
2. Resistance squelches connection. Avoiding eye contact and giving the silent treatment is shutting down emotionally and relationally toward another.
Solution: Engage. Make eye contact and have conversations. Get clarity by saying, “The story I’m making up in my head about ________ is _______________.”
3. Revenge is taking advantage of a situation to hurt another. Saying something like, “Now he will know how it feels” or “Serves her right” or “He had it coming,” indicates revenge.
Solution: Extend generosity to the person you feel revengeful toward. Does the person deserve generosity? Probably not. That’s why it’s called grace.
Perhaps the person who hurt you is not safe. An abusive spouse or business partner who ripped you off are unsafe. In such situations be generous elsewhere so you don’t become bitter.
4. Repeat. A sour pattern is to believe because you are hurt, you have the right to be unkind and hurtful. Then you hurt someone, and they hurt you, and you are offended, and they are offended, and in that offense both parties sink deeply into the 5 R’s.
Solution: Release others from your expectations of how they should act or behave.
“Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult,” says Proverbs 12:16 (NKJV).
Truth Bomb
The truth is, most things people say or don’t say, do or don’t do, accidentally do or don’t do rarely have anything to do with you. Yes, that’s a lot of do-do. We’re doing our best to live as well as we can. And the best we can do is
stick to the facts
be graciously generous
practice gratitude
not take ourselves or others too seriously
Yes, those closest to us do reject us at times. Rejection is nobody’s favorite. But as long as we breathe, rejection is an ingredient of life. We learn from both pain and rejection. The most vital decision is how we respond. The 5 R’s are the antithesis of maturity, healthy relationships, and good adulting. Without the 5 R’s, gatherings can resemble heartfelt moments we desire. We drop defenses, cheer others, celebrate beloveds, enjoy relationships, and laugh until milk comes out our noses.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you… (Ephesians 4:31–32 NIV) Gatherings without the added ingredients of the 5 Rs are none of the emotional drama and all of the pie.
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