As a society we seem more confused than ever about the role of fathers in children’s lives. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 19.7 million children or 1 in 4, grow up with an absent father. On the other hand, type in “fatherhood” on the web and you find a heap of websites devoted to promoting men as more nurturing and involved. Regardless of where the truth lies between these extremes I believe the real struggle all parents wrestle with is knowing how to parent well in a complicated time. Subsequently it leaves me flabbergasted when so many moms alienate fathers who wish to be in their child’s life. This is not reserved for those fathers who choose to abandon or abuse their offspring nor deny parental rights. The real talk is for the first-hand experiences I have seen up close through the military and often as a mediator in the form of a coach, trying to navigate the rocky seas that a mom can create by building her only ship and never step foot on his ship.
The term parental alienation occurs when one parent encourages their child to unfairly reject the other parent. Through the years I have seen it take on many forms from manipulating a child to disconnect from the father or vigorously creating loyalty feelings toward the mother only and the most predominant way in addition to the most public form of alienation is through passive aggressive remarks. Have we not all heard at some point in time, “Well if your dad did this or your dad makes more money, so he should buy this.” Those comments make me cringe like nails on a chalkboard. It is completely and utterly selfish. Listen my mother had every chance in the world to paint my non-present father in any light she deemed necessary. Not once did she ever say a derogatory statement. What she permitted was the opportunity for me to figure it out and form my own opinion on the matter (Appreciatively she raised me in church and elected to instill in me no need of holding grudges while revealing the essential need of forgiveness.) So why sabotage any chance of your son or daughter developing a relationship with the very person you thought it was a good idea to conceive with at the time? To put it bluntly get over the grudge you have from the break-up, divorce, or separation. If you truly love your child, the needs of him or her outweigh the scars that have been created.
Parental alienation frequently results in unwarranted fear, hostility, and/or disrespect aimed at just one party who desires to be involved. Now riddle me this: did we not just establish that the most common alienation comes in the form of passive aggressive remarks. So, if you want the father to be involved in activities or pay for things wouldn’t it be wise to stop opposing dad like he is some cross-town rival tipping off for the state championship?
The real talk this prevailing assumption that mothers are abandoned by good-for-nothing men that mostly impregnate women then selfishly flee. The assertion can be of absolute truth (as I am one myself, but it obviously did not become a crutch) and these deadbeat dads are denounced. This in society has become a cultural tradition. However, the notion that most fathers who aren’t in their children’s lives are deadbeats callously refusing to support the child all the while avoiding parental involvement is strikingly untrue. Take into consideration the number of mentors in my own life that sought out to be a positive influence to ensure I did not end up incarcerated or living off the wages as a pizza delivery driver as most fatherless statistic elicit. Add in custody decisions where mothers are more likely to receive primary residential custody than fathers. Although in the past decade there has been an increase in equal residential custody, mothers are still much more likely to be awarded primary residential care. Across a wide range of jurisdictions, the estimates are that mothers receive primary custody 68-88% of the time, fathers receive primary custody 8-14%, and equal residential custody is awarded in only 2-6% of the cases.
Therefore, it goes without saying that mothers do shoulder the brunt of care, but in that burden, it should be your duty to foster an inviting environment for fathers to exist and be current. The hard-truth is that one-fifth of the custodial mothers who did not receive child support in 2013 told the U.S. Census that they didn’t file for support because they did not want their child to have contact with their father. Child custody and child support laws along with judicial practices will continue to favor mothers, given that the theory mothers are innately better parents. The previously mentioned theory is exactly why we must even discuss such a topic as parental alienation. In a time where women are fighting and should continue to fight for a level playing field. Why is it not possible for both parents to be exceptional parents? Parental alienation is precise evidence of not containing enough self-confidence as a parent. Moms and dads both bring different unique talents that children need. Work as a team don’t view it as a competition regardless if married. Never-married, divorced, or separated. Maybe this is the reason so many kids have trouble not being the star on a team?!
The ramifications I have seen from being cut off from children in mature, capable, and strong men create a sense of loss in identity and purpose only compounded worse by occasional visits. These desirable fathers feel shame, emasculated, and reduced until they cannot play their roles as fathers. Such alienation leads to being uncomfortable around stepfathers, and relations with their children’s mothers in turn can be hostile. The dads I spoke with during this post and as a mediate through the years, all unavoidably broke down in tears when talking about how much they missed their children. Some of these men staunch warriors who have peered into the darkest places on Earth without flinching.
While each account is different between the mother and father the fact of the matter is I would argue many of these absent fathers are not selfish deadbeats. Instead, the overwhelming majority are stuck somewhere hurting trying to figure out a way to be current while their children are hurting from their fathers not being a regular part of everyday life. Rather than damn these men, we should recognize often the pain created by alienation.
Fathers, just like mothers, play a vital role in a child’s development. Love and nurturing by both parents are important, but fathers have been found to have a greater influence and promotion on their children’s cognitive development, regulating their behavior, stimulating creative play, and developing their identity in social competence. Stop the parental alienation, give dad a chance, and trust your kid will see how amazing both parents are capable of being.
(This will certainly be an uncomfortable read for a few and I am sure to receive adequate backlash. Thank you, Lord, for thick-skin!)
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