Old style people keep lists. It’s what we do. Lists keep us organized, productive and help us to not procrastinate. They also keep us organized. In addition to the standard “grocery list”, “to-do list” and “neighbors that may be spies” that you’d find in any decent household, I maintain over 100 other active lists at any given time.
Here are a few samples:
Words I Need to Look Up List
I get a fair amount of moronic email from damned young people and most are full of words I’ve never came across. So, in an effort to determine if these pups are being polite, disrespectful or just chowder-headed shortstacks I like to look them all up. (Besides, I’m a wordophile or lingophite or whatever the damned term is for someone who enjoys words.)
Tonight, I need to look up “pornocchio”, “doppelbangers” and the very offensive sounding name “Lady Gaga” (Is this a real name?)
Signs of the Apocalypse List
I like to stay one trot ahead of the four horsemen so I keep a detailed list of signs that the world is about to come crashing to an end. Based on my current list of portents: “global economic crisis”, “wide scale artificial hip recalls” and “each of us will be driving an electric car by 2030.” I’m confident we should be meeting our maker sometime before next Arbor Day.
List of Symptoms to Review with My Physician
At my age and torturous things, I did to my body in the Navy and in sport, keeping track of all your aches, pains and suspicious sounds can be a damned grind. But with this list, I simply jot down any unexplained bout of flatulence or unusual dream at night and hand it to my family doctor for review and diagnosis at my next scheduled check-up.
(I’m anxious to see what he makes of my current list which includes: enlarged spleen, itchy eyes, violent sneezing, popping elbow, and rice-water stools. Based on research, I believe I may have either cholera or a peptic ulcer.)
List of Relatives Currently in Favor
List of Suspicious License Plates
In an effort to assist myself I’ve placed binoculars by my front window and recorded the license plates of over 300 vehicles that I don’t recognize and which have no damned business being on my street.
Derogatory Terms for Young People List
Just because I can’t call them “damned young people” all of the time.
Current terms include “chowder-headed short-stacks”, “slack-jawed nincompoops”, “dull peckerheads”, “panty-waisted dimwits”, “braying jackasses”, “tweet-farting morons” pinheaded dullards”, “Fubsy layabouts” “baggy-panted miscreants”, “incorrigible whippersnappers” and the always popular “feral assclowns.”
I rotate the last list fairly regularly, so if you have any recommendations, please feel free to pass them on.
As always, don't take this tongue- in -cheek post too seriously. It is a reminder that the next generation started on campus this week and extending a welcoming smile or some mentorship contributes greatly!! It serves as a great reminder that young twins even teach us 5 great finds every week.....
1. Weird how the first day of school also coincides with the first day anybody has ever driven a car??
2. Tuesday at the PTA meeting a parent asked, "What is it like raising twins??"
Me: "Well, it be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way??"
3. I know my kids are growing up in a healthier environment than I did because when I take out a board game and say “ARE YOU LOSERS READY TO GET CRUSHED” my wife goes “so actually that's rude honey”
4.“I have to do everything around here” ⁃ Twins who now wipe their own @$$!!
5. No one is full of more false hope than a twin parent with a new chore chart!!
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