5 Friday Finds!!!!! Mom Talk!!

Love languages can be tricky. Learning your spouse, learning your kids. It can be easier when you and your spouse speak the same love language or when you and your offspring do as well. Rarely is that the case though. My wife and I do not speak the same love language. I am a mixture of acts of service and words of affirmation, well, truly my love language is food. While your mom, my wife needs, wants, and puts a premium on quality time. She enjoys nothing more than having time with us, away from distractions, and being fully present. When we were dating, we were smitten and so naturally both of us went above and beyond to speak each other’s love language. Admittedly times change and we can get stuck not being as intentional with one another’s love language. As you grow older we are seeing what each of your love language is becoming as well. All of this had me thinking about your mom, my gorgeous bride, and the upcoming day we take to spoil her a bit extra.

Your mom was stuck on something the other day. You know that feeling when your mind has the same song on repeat? She tried to explain how she enjoys helping others daily. She often believes the best in others. Believing they are, deep down, good people with good intentions. Giving them the benefit of the doubt. She can get stung repeatedly and will go back and try again. Historically, forgiving and long-suffering to a fault. Even when the other person is unable to take responsibility for their actions and can’t say they are sorry for anything. Even when the other person must be right all the time. Even when the other person’s worldview must reign supreme and is often not allowed to express her own views without getting a guilt trip or the silent treatment.

That has made both of us realize that her family unfortunately never learned one another’s love languages yet does not know your moms. Your mom has done extensive work on making peace of letting go of her family origin. Over the past few years, she has learned what boundaries are and how to implement them in life a bit better. She has finally accepted the truth that not everyone is willing or even able to contribute to a mutually satisfying relationship in which both parties are respected as individuals with equally valid perspectives on various issues. Your mom married me, who has seen just as much dysfunction and elects to not judge but helps her with past and present relationships that can be difficult and gives her strength to no longer just be used in those relationships.

So back to the beginning. On how mom was stuck. This is a valuable lesson to prepare for when you are a husband. Be her strength when she needs it. Back her up like you would a baseball that gets through your teammates glove. Gift her with a scripture when she feels her own integrity is in question. Mom was stuck because she doesn't like to make others mad. She enjoys time with others and not drama. Her feelings get hurt easily and she overthinks every scenario. Predictably, some family members often leave a family member out of important situations such as funerals or weddings or birthday parties. That is not the overall repeatedly played song. The song on repeat is they ensure to normalize it being okay to not talk about it or feel bad about it. That is not okay, that is not the right way to attack life. That is a slippery slope of questioning morals. Things need to be discussed and out in the open. Your mom has been subjected to years of collusion and all she wants is to believe they would see how hurtful collusion can be. She wants to believe one day family members will love equally with no basis on deeds, distance, or favoritism. That her feelings were just as important as other family members. But she knows from a long history that she is often only accepted when and if her beliefs, perspectives, and narratives match family members. On numerous occasions she was not allowed to show up as herself. She was only allowed to show up as an extension of them. As a player in their drama. And was by far given the worst bum roles. She was and is exhausted. Often leading me to come to the defense on needed roles which have also pitted me as good and bad at moments. Nonethless, I am built for taking bullets and longevity. Naturally, your mom decided not to be stuck on repeat anymore. No one enjoys drama. Your mom could honestly stay at home each day drinking coffee, snuggling our dog, and watching you all play outside verse ever traveling and pleasing others. Which I am the opposite, so it becomes a good balance. That led to your mom saying she just craves peace in her life. She wants to surround herself with people who genuinely want to be in her life not just because they should by society roles, mature, kind, respectful humans. But for several weeks she’s felt guilty. That is her brain’s programming.  A life spent believing that she’s a bad person if she is not the sole responsibility of making everyone around her happy. She is a people-pleaser. And if she does not please everyone in her family it must be her fault.

That is the song on repeat regrettably. So here is my wife and your mom– really, REALLY wanting to just be done with weird, controlling family dynamics where you never know where you stand – but she felt guilty about walking away from those relationships. Keeping the peace and maintaining relationships – even destructive ones – have been woven into the fabric of her life from a very young age. Walking away is not the answer. But every time boundaries were brought up or not shouldering the blame for other members’ lack of maturity or desire to really work at having a present relationship, not some de facto brush with hugs and gifts every quarter, felt like a relief. She spent several weeks riddled with anxiety. She had a hard time sleeping. Night after night she would have nightmares. She knew she was preparing to let things go. She was grieving at the same time.

Then boom a breakthrough. Your mom journals each day, and one of the questions asked her to think about a recent experience in which she had a chance to practice boundaries. She thought about this experience in terms of family members, and it hit. If we think about boundaries as being each one of us taking responsibility for our own home and yard – and the fence around our home and yard is our boundary, it all made sense. Here’s how. I’m going to tell this story in terms of boundaries, and see if it doesn’t make everything fall into place:

“Once upon a time there was a girl (let’s call her Ally) with a house and yard. She had a party and invited her family members to the party. All except one. One she hinted at having a party one day but never really inviting her nor explaining why she chose to leave, Sally out, so she let her close enough to stand outside the gate. Ally had every right to do this. It’s her house and yard, and she can invite whomever she wants. But Sally felt bad. She could see her family members inside the yard, and she longed to be part of the family that she belonged to. A couple of her other family members came over to the gate, smiled, and said “Hi!” as if nothing was amiss. Sally said, “I’ve been left out. I wanted to be there. I feel sad and discarded. I feel angry too. Why doesn’t Ally like me?” Her other family members shrugged and said, “It’s not that big of a deal. You don’t have to get all emotional about it. Lighten up. Life happens. Ally gets so busy” And they walked away leaving Sally feeling lonely and sad. Sally noticed that some of the people at the party were glancing over at her, whispering. She wondered if they were talking about why she wasn’t there at the party. She yelled out, “I WASN’T INVITED! I WANTED TO COME, BUT I WASN’T INVITED. IT SUCKS. WISH I WAS THERE HAVING FUN WITH YOU!” Some of them called out, “We are sorry! We miss you! We feel bad you have been left out, we did not know in time that you were not invited otherwise we would have prepared better, and we don’t think it’s right!” Sally felt a little better. She wasn’t crazy, after all. But then a couple of family members marched over with scowls on their faces and said in harsh whispers, “STOP IT! LEAVE IT ALONE! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?!” and they huffed away, leaving her alone again. Sally thought about it. She had a choice. She could do what she always did under similar circumstances, and she could call out, “I’M SORRY! I’M SO SORRY FOR WHATEVER I DID, AND I WON’T DO IT AGAIN! I’M AT FAULT, CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME? PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME! I PROMISE TO FORGET ABOUT HOLDING YOU ACCOUNTABLE AND I’ LL JUST SMILE AND NOD! Or she could respect their right to leave her out, and she could walk away. So, she walked away. The end.”

Once your mom saw the story in terms of boundaries, she was totally set free. Nightmares went away. She could sleep. She was no longer looping. Here’s the thing. We ALL get to have our own beliefs about how relationships work and what is healthy or unhealthy behavior. We need to let family members be exactly who they are. They will eventually show us time and time again who they were. We just keep wanting to believe in something different, and that denial was what created all the drama for your mom.

How many of us see this? It could be at work, or a part of a team, or with spouses. Instead of accepting them as they are based on their consistent behavior, we want them to be different. Once your mom accepted, really accepted them as they were…AND once accepted, REALLY accepted herself as the most amazing person I have ever met…She was able to let find peace. You see, the members of each of our family origins get to have their own beliefs and boundaries, we don’t all have to agree, but we will all talk, we will love, we will set aside differences for the common goal of being greater together, and if  in the end they don’t want us in their lives consistently or won’t accept how hard we try  make it easier on them to be present or how much communication we do on  our end, that’s okay. We still love them – that is okay. They get to do what is best for them. We WANT them to do what is best for them. We will still love them with no need for reciprocation. But now your mom UTTERLY understands that she is a person worth caring for, fighting for. And she also has boundaries. She gets to also love a woman named Charlotte; she gets to decide her quality time with no guilt. And she will spend the rest of her life at peace with it. Now smile while we get this week’s 5 finds…..

1. Is there a bond stronger than two dads who get annoyed by the same things and their kids are in the same class?? #bromance

2. Me: I'm okay with the kids having a later summer bedtime.

   Wife: Yeah, maybe they'll sleep later!

   Wife and I: *hysterical laughter

3. With summer break looming, I’m just so excited about having to figure out a whole other meal per day!!

4. Twins: Is it summer break yet?

   Me: No.

   Twins: But you'll tell us when it is, right? So, we don't do schoolwork the whole time.

    Also, me: quietly in my head, I learned a new threat!!

5. Parents have you ever taken the time to really ponder this mystery:

   School: Do not. I repeat. DO. NOT. Send your kids to school if they are experiencing a single symptom. No sniffles. No sneezes. No tummy aches. NOTHING.

   Also, School: throws a parade for the class with the best attendance