Where has the time gone as we celebrate our seventh year of marriage? The time has been well spent if you are asking me. My wife is a blessing and as the years pass our relationship finds new ways to mature, grow, and strengthen. The only reason being that Jesus is our compass who helps navigate us closer to him which strengthens us as partners. This year has seen such an incredible growth between us as we have pruned unnecessary weeds in our personal lives and in our relationship that have nurtured the blossoming of vibrant roots that have been refreshing. Marriage at the very core is sacrificial love that when embraced leads to the dying of oneself. To say the least, your mother has always been better at this compared to me. Nonetheless, Jesus has really changed my heart recently and it is splendid to sacrificially love your mom. In doing so, it trickles down to every other relationship in my life. Often so many people in society get stuck on the idea that women must submit to men in marriage. What they forget is the bible specifically says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” in Ephesians 5:21. Add in that Christ asks us to love our spouses as he loved his church. All he did was being willing to die on a cross for us all and as men we are tasked with the greatest exchange: to sacrificially love our wives. Do not be passive, we are called to be the leaders of our households. In doing so, we must put our spouse over our own wants and desires. We are to be the spiritual leader and protector. We are the patriarch of each generation. Take up our assignments and marriage can be such a beautiful thing. Here are a few core values that come in handy:
Create memories, don't just buy stuff. Sure, every woman loves to be thought of and receive gifts. Flowers, jewelry, chocolate—the usual suspects. Still do those things from time to time. But a gift given isn't the same as an experience shared. Be creative and find ways to share memories instead of gift receipts. She'll remember that time you went on a wild adventure together far more than she'll remember the Valentine's Day rose bouquet which withers away eventually.
Become a great question asker. We all love talking about ourselves, and we feel most connected to the people who really listen to us. Become the kind of guy who asks more questions than gives answers. That listens more than he speaks. Think of it this way. You are on a journey to get a Ph.D. on your wife. To graduate you must never stop learning her. To obtain that degree you must know her like a book and what is on each page. That my sons take questions. Time to observe. Time to write what you learn in your heart and mind. I challenge when you grasp relationships to go ask your mom who knows her best outside of Jesus Christ her creator. The answer drives her nuts because doing the homework often leads to knowing things before she realizes them. It also signifies a continual pursuit for her. This can be overwhelming as people do not feel worthy of such a pursuit. Chasing that Ph.D. keeps your eyes on God’s prize, the prize of remaining a suitable husband according to his word.
Be fascinated with her, not just her looks. Physical looks are great, but my dear boys, they're fleeting. And honestly, even if you find the most beautiful girl in the world, there's always someone with a different skin tone or feature that is pleasing to the eye. Learn to become fascinated with who she is, how she operates, what she cares about and her dreams. There are 4 layers to attraction: physical, personal, mental-emotional, and spiritual. Do your personalities mesh? Can you talk about your feelings, ideas, and opinions without judgement? Most importantly her spiritual connection with Jesus. They all matter more than her bra size or how many heads she turns at school.
Be a friend first. As you start dating, my hope for both of you is that you'll be her friend long before you're her boyfriend. You don't know it yet, but the emotions will be intense, and you'll be ready to dive headlong into the deep end. That's normal but try not to rush. Develop a friendship first—it will serve you well in marriage someday. The high-intensity emotions of love may burn bright initially, but the flame of friendship in marriage lasts the duration of any high or low. That flame must keep burning for any fire to be started or remain lit.
You marry not only her but her family. Remember that the best version of your wife has her family and friends in it. But also remember, when Paul commanded “a man to leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife” (Ephesians 5:31), he was, in effect, encouraging couples to keep the marriage between the husband and wife. However, it is a must that you ensure in-laws want you to succeed as a couple and respect you as a husband and father. As men I would say your father-n-law becomes a key component in this life and if he does not respect you it can become troublesome. With that said, it is not possible to make people “like or love” you unless they make room in their own heart to do so. Yet, you can ensure people respect you by treating their daughter in an upright manner, being a great dad, and sacrificially loving your future wife. Having an extended family is a blessing and only adds to more pleasure in your kids’ lives and joy in your marriage. Make sure it is a two-way shared value as well. One family does not deserve more time verse the other either. By all means keep boundaries though with just your own family time where it is just her, the kids, and you. This is vital and if you do not intentionally plan this time then outside sources will invade the time needed to grow as a family properly. Each side of the family deserves adequate time and visits from you as a family regardless of any past experiences, preconceived notions, or holiday traditions. Be as fair as possible. This element may or may not be the hardest one to figure out as a couple, especially after the gift of grandchildren. Do your best and know it is not your responsibility to make each individual happy. Happiness comes from the Lord. Stick to the convictions that the Lord puts on your heart as well. You answer to him high above anyone else.
Must be able to laugh at one another. Marriage is hard. That is just the truth. It takes intentional work. Two separate individuals joining forces to think together, present in unity, and carry out a life in some sense of solidarity despite the challenges of life itself. Two individuals who love one another, but two separate personalities, independent views of experiences, knowledge, and so much more. It seems there should be a good antidote. There is!! It’s laughter! Your mom and I are about as opposite as two individuals can be. In our good times, we can say we have our bases covered. But in our weak moments we struggle to see life in similar ways. Laughter has been our biggest and best tool in marriage. It tends to be that thing that moves us off our stubborn spots and helps us reconnect. Well placed humor causes us to laugh, and laughing is our reset. It may sound odd. It may seem simple. But it works. Proverbs 17:22 “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Laughter is truly a gift from God and being able to laugh together and even at one another is a blessing.
Do not worship money but ensure you are secure financially. Money is not bad; the love of money is bad. It leads to greed, selfishness, and misuse. God sees our financial need. He sees our need for money, and He will provide it. Provide it abundantly! What the scripture points out is the Lord desires for his children to have righteous wealth and PROSPERITY. Prosperity is stated in the webster dictionary as having plenty, to be over and above, having more than enough, good fortune, and peace. All of these things come from the Lord through wise choices, trusting in him, and answering his call found In Proverbs 3:9-10, “Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the first fruits of all your produce; then your barns will be filled with plenty, and your vats will be bursting with wine.” The only time Jesus says to test him in the bible is with your finances (Malachi 3:10). As partners in life, we have tried to do be consistent on this as much as possible. The results have been well Abundant. We give more money away than anything. However, I did not have much growing up and your mom did not have great examples of how to spend money even though she grew up around it. With that said you are not able to take it with you as you die either. Nonetheless, securing your finances by not living outside a budget, saving for the future, having enough to share wealth, and enjoying his creation by traveling are things he truly desires for you. Thus, if you follow his scripture, read books at a young age like I did such as, Rich Dad Poor Dad, which teaches you how to make money work for you instead of just working for money you can attain financial security. Here are 7 keys:
· Hard work helps, but finding God’s purpose for your work is essential
· Diligence
· Seek God in Everything
· Seek Righteousness
· Keep His Commandments (Walk in His Ways)
· Honor God with Your Wealth
· Develop Your Faith (Trust) in God
Wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it.”
— Proverbs 13:11
Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
— Matthew 6:19-21
But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.”
— 1 Timothy 6:6-10
Communication is not an overstatement. If your mom or I had a dime for every time someone said communication is indispensable in a relationship, well, we would be retired. No one is a mind reader. So, how about we do not try to make them into that very thing! Marriage requires constant nurturing. A key element to this nurturing process is communication in marriage. It is the lifeblood that keeps the relationship thriving and the bond between the couple. However, establishing effective communication in marriage can be a daunting challenge, especially in today's fast-paced world. A few things that stick out to us as a couple. 70% of communication comes from body language. Thus, it is PARAMOUNT to sit side by side to really “hear what someone is saying.” Take time to ponder what that really means when you age in life. Another vastly important aspect you must learn as a man. Receive your wife as she is! This means if she is as sensitive as your mom, you receive that sensitivity and the emotions that come with it in communication. This very concept took me way too long to figure out. However, once I did it created a safe space for my spouse, your mom, to boldly communicate openly with any and everything about her past, present, and future.
Physical intimacy must be a priority. Sex inside of marriage is a beautiful thing. It should not be withheld or used to control another person. Get to know your spouse’s body inside and out. What she likes and what she does not like. It is your duty to make her climax, it is not all about you. With that said, communication is key. Both of you should know one another’s fantasies, feelings on how often intimacy should take place. If you are not submitting to one another physically and emotionally on a regular, daily basis then the chances of someone seeking that elsewhere will become an issue. When the time is right we will both have a talk about how God created marriage for beautiful intimacy and how we stay successful in frequency even with twins. Like a great marriage, a great sex life won’t just happen. Healthy sexual intimacy must be cultivated – it requires the investment of time and energy. While sexual purity and intimacy is a discipline and a responsibility in marriage, it is also intended to be an expression of love, a great source of intimacy, satisfaction, unity, and joy. Pursue mutual satisfaction in sex that creates oneness through emotional intimacy and physical pleasure. A healthy sex life means walking in love, communicating, being intentional, and selflessly giving yourself to your spouse. Like delicious food, marriage and sex were “created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. For everything created by God is good” (1 Tim. 4:3-4). This premise shouldn’t really be shocking or controversial. The good gift of sex designed by God should inspire awe and wonder. The Bible talks a lot about the blessing of sex for a husband and wife in marriage. Therefore, keep it inside your marriage only and do not succumb to the addiction of pornography. This is something we will surely discuss multiple times as you grow up. Luckily, my mom was way ahead of her time and taught me the importance of not becoming addicted to pornography. I pray neither of you will either and I am hoping Gram Gram is teaching your mom some strategies she used with me. Sex is not just about checking off the to-do list. There is a reason we call it “making love”! Your sexual union should be an expression of your marriage covenant – full of love, care, and affection. Foreplay doesn’t start ten minutes before intercourse – affection, love, communication, and intimacy should build all day long. God-glorifying sexual intimacy must be built on a solid friendship and a deep emotional and spiritual intimacy. The sexual climax should be the crescendo of a loving relationship! God designed sex to be the pinnacle of a husband and wife becoming one in marriage. Then the man said, ‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” Genesis 2:23-25
This is not a foolproof guide by any means. No perfect relationship exists. These are just big components that have helped your parents. Today’s post was a joint effort with your mom, so this is not just your father blabbing on and on either. Just know without a doubt seven years later and my love for your mom is much more mature, deep, and genuine. She is a blessing that is not taken for granted. When I asked her parents for her hand in marriage, and we walked down that aisle she became my responsibility. That responsibility should never be neglected. Hopefully this helps form your own successful equally yoked relationships in life. You will be able to embark on making your own traditions as a family as well when the time comes. Until then thank you for the 5 Friday finds tradition that you bestow on us as parents…..
1. Asked one of the twins how his dinner was after my trip and he looked me straight in my eyes and said “you can have it if you want, Mommy don’t cook right”
2. Ever thought to yourself: I can’t stand parenting influencer videos about how to “put down your phone and play with your kid”. Well, then how am I supposed to watch your video??? How did you make the video???? Where is the twin version of this video??
3. Me: To twin A, remember, you cannot bring anything electric into the tub
Twin B: technically you can, but it will electrocute you
Me: yeah, thanks
4. My wife and I are the best parents to our kids when we are on a date night and down a bottle of wine??
5. One twin was already cuddling with my wife by the time the other made his way to our room this morning, prompting him to throw himself to the ground in protest. So now the official cuddle rankings in the family are:
· my wife
· cold, hard floor
· me
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